Should “forgive and forget” ever apply to an abuser?

I have heard a troubling recurring phrase several times in my line of work over the past two weeks. That phrase is “forgive and forget.” Is this generally a good concept to follow? Sure. But should it be applied to the actions of an abuser? No. And here’s why.

We can work toward forgiveness, for the sake of our own mental health. But an abuse survivor never forgets, and never should.

Why should abuse be recognized, remembered, and reported? Because when we sweep violence under the rug in the name of forgiveness, a criminal walks free. A victim is made to feel even more vulnerable. And a person with a serious problem is not held accountable for their actions, meaning they may never have the chance to truly understand the weight of their choices. 

A well-meaning person of faith might counter, “But what about extending grace?” Here’s the thing. God uses both grace and consequences for people’s actions, it’s true. But for violent crimes, He always expects consequences and justice. God doesn’t play with bullies. He takes them to task.

Jeremiah 30:16:

“Therefore all who devour you shall be devoured, and all your foes, every one of them, shall go into captivity; those who plunder you shall be plundered, and all who prey on you I will make a prey” (ESV).

Consequences exist so that we can learn from our mistakes. If there were no consequences for any behavior, we would never be challenged to learn and grow. When I tell my son to wait to eat his food, because it’s too hot, and then he goes ahead and eats it anyway, he might burn his mouth. That’s the natural consequence of his choice.

Criminal justice is the natural consequence for abusers. Believe it or not, the concept “forgive and forget” helps absolutely no one in cases of abuse. It does not protect the perpetrator; it enables them. It does not help the survivor to be more devout; it immobilizes them and traumatizes them all over again. 

I’m hot and angry about “forgive and forget.” Unspeakable things have been done to people I care about under the false guise of forgiveness. We can choose to forgive…and also expect severe consequences to be carried out. In cases of domestic violence, you cannot have one, and leave out the other. Because eventually, “forgive and forget” turns into a death sentence for a long suffering wife, daughter, or sister who was coerced into being too patient for too long.

God believes in justice for all people. Psalm 82:1-3 says, “God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment: ‘How long will you judge unjustly, and show partiality to the wicked? Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the rights of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.’” 

The Lord demands justice for evil behavior. And so should we.